Apr 8, 2025
Commitment issues—or a fear of commitment, colloquially sometimes called “commitment-phobia”—is the unwillingness to devote yourself to and attach yourself to anything long-term.
Commitment issues are a real problem with real consequences, relationally, mentally, and emotionally. So, do you have commitment issues? Let’s find out, and make a plan to get over the fear of commitment.
What is a Fear of Commitment?
Mental health researchers have found real proof for commitment issues. Psychologists might refer to someone who has commitment issues as someone who has an avoidant attachment style.
Usually, when people talk about commitment issues, they’re talking about their unwillingness to commit to a long-term, romantic partner. They may have trouble falling in love, self-sabotage frequently, or be unable to form a close bond with someone even if they want to.
Romantic relationships aren’t the only area a fear of commitment can affect though. Examples of commitment issues in all areas of your life include:
- Career: You don’t want to commit to any one job or company, so you switch jobs every year or so, making it difficult to move up in your career or form strong bonds with coworkers.
- Residency: You hate feeling tied down, so you move every year into a new rental, often moving cities or states as well.
- Friendships: You don’t like to get close to people, so you always cut friends off when they show signs of growing close to you.
- Future Plans: You don’t like to make plans too far into the future, so you never end up taking vacations or big life events.
- Financial: You don’t want to tie up your money in just a few financial decisions, so you end up doing nothing with your money at all.
- Romantic Relationships: You’re scared to commit to someone romantically long term, so you self-sabotage when you get to close or push them away before anything real can start.
These are only some of the examples of commitment issues. It usually doesn’t affect just one area; someone with commitment issues will experience those issues across multiple areas in their life.
Signs of Commitment Issues
Besides the obvious of being unable to commit to anything long-term, there are usually more subtle signs someone is struggling with commitment.
Some of these signs of commitment issues include:
- Reluctant to make plans: A hallmark of someone with commitment issues is their inability and unwillingness to make plans. In a relationship, this might mean you are making all of the plans. At work it means they may be unwilling to take initiative on projects.
- Overly rely on words like “maybe”, “probably”, or “might”: Someone with commitment issues is going to do everything they can do to avoid committing to things. This means being intentionally vague with their language and avoiding any straight-forward conversations. This might also include being reluctant to say “I love you” or similar phrases in a relationship.
- Plans for Failure: Someone with commitment issues might also struggle with self-sabotaging things for themselves, including a relationship or a job. One of the ways they may do so is by planning for failure. They don’t expect the relationship to succeed; they expect it to fail.
- Doesn’t think about the future at all: On the flip side, someone with commitment phobia may try not to think about the future at all. When pressed, they may not know what they hope for or dream of their future being. They may struggle to create goals or envision themselves at any point other than where they are.
- Fear of Being Trapped: In a relationship, this may also look like a fear of becoming part of a unit with their individual identity erased. Although this is not a good outcome for any relationship—individuality is important even when in a coupled pair—it can be an especially potent fear for someone with commitment issues. They may fear being unable to escape a bad situation and therefore avoid being put into any situations at all.
- They’re not willing to sacrifice for something other than themselves: Self-centeredness can be a sign of commitment issues because committing to something—whether it is a person or a job or even a goal—means giving a part of yourself over to that person or thing. This can be really scary for someone with commitment phobia, so they may come across as selfish or self-centered.
- They spend a lot of time questioning their current situation: If you have commitment phobia, you probably spend a lot of time questioning the relationships you’re in, the job you have, and where you’re at in life. This doubt often will push you to cut ties with your current relationships and move on.
These are only some of the signs of commitment issues. Many of the signs are similar to those of an avoidant attachment style.
Signs Your Partner Has Commitment Issues
How do you recognize commitment issues in someone else? Is it even possible? While it may be difficult to pinpoint a fear of commitment in another person, here are some common signs that your partner has commitment issues:
- They never try to advance the relationship on their own. They may not introduce you to their friends or family or make any of those next big steps like moving in together, becoming exclusive, or proposing.
- They don’t want to talk about the future. They may get cagey with you if you try or change the subject.
- They have a hard time being vulnerable. They're likely emotionally distant or unattached.
- They can easily ghost you for days at a time. It may seem like you have no real impact on their life at all.
- They begin to pull away. Not everyone with commitment issues knows it or are active in their lack of commitment. Some may just wait for you to break up with them, so they don’t have to commit to breaking up either.
It can be hard to be in a relationship with someone who has commitment issues. You can try to bring up this topic with them, but if it’s not something they've thought of before, they may use avoidant tactics to change the topic. Take care of yourself and make sure you’re doing what’s best for yourself first.
Why do I have Commitment Issues?
A fear of commitment usually has a root cause. Some examples include:
- Past abandonment: If you’ve been hurt in a previous relationship, like having been cheated on or abandoned, you may be less likely to commit to someone in the future.
- Childhood neglect: If as a child your caretaker was emotionally distant or unavailable, you may grow up to experience avoidant attachment, which can cause commitment issues.
- Self-esteem issues: If you don’t believe you are worthy of success and love, then you may try to self-sabotage what you have before it can be taken from you.
- Anxiety disorders: Anxiety disorders can cause commitment issues as well, because you see the potential for harm in all situations.
There are many more reasons, such as a fear of being vulnerable, of letting other people down, or fear of abandonment.
How to Get Over Commitment Issues
If you want to get over your fear of commitment, here are some ways you can do so:
- Start with small commitments: Make plans to go out for coffee or hold your partners hand in public; start small.
- Talk about it: Commitment issues thrive with avoidance. Take your fear of commitment out of the shadows by talking about it.
- Practice self care: As you push yourself to commit to more and more things, you might feel yourself wanting to pull away or getting more anxious. Practice good self care to cope with these feelings. (Use these 3 self-care templates to get started.)
- Talk with a therapist: An individual therapist can help you address the root cause of commitment issues, including past trauma or heartbreak.
Are you ready to get over your commitment issues? Contact Lifebulb’s support team to be matched with a therapist near you. Or, you can browse our list of therapists to find someone who fits your needs. Not ready to commit? Don’t worry, you can cancel at any time.
