Sep 16, 2024
Do you often structure your day around other people’s wants and needs? Are you willing to drop anything at even the hint of a request? Do you try to predict what others will need so you can meet those needs in advance? If so, you might be a people pleaser.
Although not a clinical term, “people pleaser” has gained popularity as a term used to describe someone who puts others' needs and wants before their own.
For example, a people pleaser’s day may look like this:
Your boss asks you to pick up some slack at work. Despite being overburdened already, you agree readily. After work, your coworker asks if you can give her a ride home. It’s out of your way, but you say yes. Once home, you feel like your partner is mad at you, so you clean the house thoroughly and make a big dinner for when they get home. After dinner, your friend calls: they’re stressed and asks if they can rant to you. You say of course and spend the next hour listening to their struggles and coaching them through work conflicts. When your head finally hits the pillow, you’re completely exhausted, anxious, and drained.
If you’ve had a day similar to this, you may be a people pleaser.
This article will go over the signs of a people pleaser, how it affects our mental health, and how to get over people-pleasing tendencies.
What Is People Pleasing?
People pleasing is consistently putting others' needs above your own, to the point of burnout, exhaustion, and diminished sense of self. Often, people pleasers behave as they do out of anxiety of being unliked, causing problems, or being the target of aggression or discontent. Other times, they people please to avoid conflict or to keep others happy.
Signs you’re a people pleaser include:
- Difficulty saying no: If someone asks you to do something, you have a hard time telling them no.
- Difficulty setting boundaries: It’s easy for others to ask you for things because you never set the boundaries of what you will and won’t do to begin with.
- Low self-esteem: You might feel unloveable or unlikeable, which you make up for by trying to be as pleasant and helpful as possible.
- Feeling guilty whenever you take time for yourself: Guilt is a common feeling for a chronic people pleaser; they feel it anytime they do something for themselves.
- Chronic exhaustion and fatigue: You’re never giving yourself any time, so it’s easy to get burnt out quickly.
- Difficulty with self-care: You may not even know where to begin when it comes to caring for yourself and meeting your needs and could benefit from implementing some self-care strategies in your life.
These are only a few of the most common signs of pleasing people. Although pleasing people is not a mental health disorder, as outlined by the DSM-5, it is commonly found in people with anxiety, depression, ADHD, and other mental health disorders.
How Does People Pleasing Affect Mental Health?
Pleasing people is not a harmless activity. While it can endear people to you and prevent conflicts, it does so by erasing your sense of self and identity while taking all your energy. It is not feasible in the long-term, and can lead to the following mental health issues:
- Depression
- Anxiety
- Burnout
- Brain Fog
- Low self-esteem and self-worth
- Weakened relationships
When your sense of self-worth is tied to what you can do for others, it is subjected to the constant ups and downs of a relationship. The second you feel you cannot give your all to someone, you start to feel worthless, unloveable, and like a failure. That is a lot of pressure to put on yourself! It also can make the relationship ingenuine.
Let people get to know you for who you really are, not for what you can do for them. You may be surprised just how well-received your true self is.
10 Steps to Stop People Pleasing
People pleasing is often a harmful coping mechanism to address uncomfortable emotions, thoughts, and beliefs about yourself or the world around you. For example, if your parents had a tenuous relationship growing up and you were constantly mediating, you may grow up as a people pleaser because you believe that only you can keep the peace and harmony in relationships.
Addressing these core beliefs that fuel your people-pleasing actions is a hard but necessary step towards healing.
Here are ten steps to stop people pleasing:
- Understand why you people please: There could be multiple reasons. Are you afraid you are unloveable? Terrified of conflict? Convinced everyone will abandon you the second you stop being useful? It may be painful, but try to look closely at these core inner beliefs.
- Set one healthy boundary: Start small. Often it’s easier to set a boundary before a request comes in rather than say no to someone’s face. For example, let your partner know that Sunday mornings are for your self-care routine and that you would love to hang out with them in the afternoon.
- Start a self-care routine: Self-care does not always look like bubble baths and chocolate. In fact, it rarely does. What does your body and mind really need? Is it exercise, sun, rest, creativity, or good conversation? Pinpoint your needs and commit to meeting them once a week. Remember, start small and build your way up.
- Stop saying “sorry”: Another core trait of a people pleaser is their tendency to over-apologize. Not everything is your fault! Although saying “sorry” can relieve some of the internal pressure, guilt, and anxiety, it also lets others get away with using you. Reflect honestly on the situation. Are you at fault? If not, avoid saying sorry.
- Practice self-compassion: This may be a difficult road for you. Take small steps and forgive yourself if you backslide. There may be days when you have great boundaries, you say no to requests you can’t make, and your self-care is immaculate. There will be other days when it is a struggle just to make it to the end. Be gentle with yourself on these days and remember that you are doing a very hard thing.
- Lean on your support system: Pick a few of your closest friends and family and tell them about your goals to stop being a people pleaser. Ask them to hold you accountable. These are safe people that you can practice your boundaries with, say no to, and report back to about your self-care routine.
- Be okay with discomfort: A core reason behind pleasing people is to feel safe. You don’t feel safe with conflict or imposing your needs on people, so you avoid that at all costs. Understand that as you unlearn people pleasing tendencies, you’ll experience a fair amount of discomfort. This is okay, and healthy even. Learn to embrace it.
- Say “No”: Possibly one of the hardest things for a people pleaser to do is learn to say “no”. Saying no to someone’s face is hard even for people who aren’t people pleasers! Remember to stay kind, succinct, and fall back on your boundaries. For example, “No, I can’t drive you back home today because I have a workout class I have to catch.” Or, to make it a little easier for yourself, meet them halfway to start: “No, I can’t drive you back home today, but I could drop you off at your bus stop.”
- Go to Talk Therapy: Professional, licensed therapists are always there to help. A licensed therapist can help you to the root cause of your people-pleasing behavior and make positive changes to start building the life you want. You do not need a bigger reason for therapy, simply wanting to make positive changes in your life is more than enough.
If you are a people pleaser, give yourself some love today. You’re doing a lot, and it makes sense that you’re so tired. Take a break, insert some boundaries, and learn to say no. The people who love you will still be there when you do.
Lifebulb Counseling offers online therapy across the U.S. If you are someone who struggles with pleasing people, therapy can help. Call our team to be matched with a therapist who accepts your insurance for the most affordable price, or browse our list of therapists near you to find one who best fits your needs.
Curious what type of therapy is best for you? Check out our guide to therapy modalities here.
