How to Set Healthy Boundaries: the Ultimate Guide

Why is Setting Boundaries Important?

Healthy boundaries should:

• Foster autonomy and healthy independence
• Establish clear expectations
• Cultivate self-respect
• Keep everyone safe and comfortable
• Define individual responsibilities
• Validate your unique identity

Humans are social creatures. This means that our sense of identity is, in part, tied to our relationships. We are daughters, sons, girlfriends, boyfriends, employees, and customers. It is healthy to have these relationships be a part of our identity as it builds our social network that is a protective factor against mental illnesses. 

However, without boundaries, our identity can get too tied into these relationships and we forget that before we are a daughter or a boyfriend or a mother we are simply ourselves. 

Boundaries help maintain our sense of identity, which can include our hobbies, goals, work, emotions, and relationships with others. 

Boundaries also help a relationship thrive. Without boundaries, we wouldn’t understand what was expected of us, and we would be constantly letting people down or getting hurt. It can also quickly lead to overthinking a relationship. Boundaries communicate what is acceptable and unacceptable, so not every choice has to be made into a huge discussion.

7 Boundaries for Your Relationship

When it comes to your personal relationships, you may have different boundaries than someone else. For example, your friend may hold the boundary of not letting their partner talk to their ex. You, however, don’t mind if your partner talks with their ex, but it’s important that they communicate with you when they’re going to be hanging out. Or, you might be able to work through infidelity, whereas your friend has a hard line when it comes to cheating. 

The important thing to remember about boundaries for your relationship is that they should be personal and unique to you. Don’t just do something because someone (or this blog) says that you should. Ask yourself: does this work for me? Does this align with my values? Will this bring contentment and safety into my relationship, or will it further strain it?

First consider those questions, and then apply these boundaries. 

Some healthy boundaries you may consider include:

• Physical boundaries: How far are you willing to go, physically? How much physical touch is allowed in public? What does absolute consent look like and how will you establish it? 
• Space boundaries: What is “yours” and what is shared? How often do you allow your partner into what is yours?
• Time boundaries: How often do you expect to hang out together? When is too long apart? What does “quality time” mean and how will you both ensure the time spent together is quality? How much time will work take up? 
• Financial boundaries: How much will you help each other out, financially? Will you share a bank account? Who, if anyone, is keeping track of the finances? How will you split joint purchases?
• Emotional boundaries: What are topics you don’t want to talk about (at least, not right away)? What is and is not acceptable during an argument? What level of respect do you expect from your partner? How will you deal with conflict? How will you manage apologies? What level of communication do you expect from your partner?
• Interpersonal boundaries: How much time will you spend with in-laws? How much time will you spend with friends? Is it okay for your partner to hang out with other people they may be attracted to? 
• “Hard Stop” boundaries: What are the behaviors that are crossing a line, and must result in a conversation about the future of the relationship? For example, if you notice manipulation tactics or defensive behavior, how much of it will you accept before you breakup? Knowing your “hard stop” lines will help protect you from abusive relationships or slipping into reactive abuse. 

Keep in mind that boundaries can and should shift as new experiences come up. If you welcome a new child, lose your job, or just have a change in priorities, reconsider your boundaries and communicate the new ones with your partner. Also, look for signs of self-sabotage in how you set your boundaries. Are you setting yourself up for success or failure?

How to Set Healthy Boundaries

Setting healthy boundaries can be difficult if you’re not already used to it. Remember that boundaries are set in place to help both people succeed: you don’t want to accidently cross an unspoken boundary and you don’t want them to cross one of yours. Having a discussion about boundaries is healthy and necessary for a long-term relationship. 

To set healthy boundaries, follow these steps:

• Start early, if possible: Communicate your boundaries as soon as you can. If you’ve already been dating for a while without having this conversation, that’s okay. Just start as soon as you know the boundaries you want to put into place. 
• Make it a discussion: Ask for input from their side. Work out boundaries until you can agree on them. Tell them any of your “hard boundaries” (those you won’t budge on) and ask them for theirs. 
• Use “I” statements: Sometimes, setting boundaries can feel like blocking someone out of a relationship, especially if this conversation comes later in a relationship. To prevent defensiveness on their side, use “I statements”. For example, “I feel safer when we pay for our own things and manage finances separately.” 
• Be specific: “I need more space” is a miscommunication waiting to happen. What type of space? For how long? Are you saying you want to see other people or just need a day to cool down? When setting boundaries, try to be specific: “I need more introvert time during the week to recuperate from work. When I’m doing ____ or ___, I would like you to respect my privacy.”
• Keep the conversation open: Boundaries shift as life experiences do. Check-in with each other regularly. Ask questions like “Have I accidentally crossed any boundaries this week?” or “How do you feel about the new boundaries we set in place? I want to make sure we both still feel loved and cared for.”
• Have a plan for when boundaries are crossed: Know what you’re going to do when you have to rebuild trust. Hopefully, it won’t happen often, but having a plan in place can be a big help when conflict occurs. 

When done right, boundaries can create a safe space that is full of love and understanding.

What are unacceptable boundaries in a relationship?

Some unacceptable boundaries in a relationship include:

• Both partners don’t agree full-heartedly. For a boundary to be healthy, both partners need to be on the same page and enthusiastic about respecting the boundary. 
• The boundary aims to restrict or control. If a boundary involves you not seeing your friends or family, restricts what you do or where you go, or controls your time, money, or energy in any way, it may not be healthy. Take an honest look if these boundaries bring you joy (not just your partner) or if they feel stifling. These are all signs of a potentially coercive or abusive relationship. 
• Boundaries that put you at risk. Boundaries' primary role is to keep you safe, so if you are being put in danger because of a boundary, it is probably unhealthy. 

Keep in mind that there are exceptions to these rules, however, if you experience a boundary that is restricting, controlling, or puts you at risk, we recommend talking to a friend. Get a second opinion on the boundary and consider if it is really the healthiest thing for you. 

What does a Lack of Boundaries Look Like?

A lack of boundaries can lead to chaos and hurt. It may look like:

• Miscommunications: Not understanding each other's boundaries sets the stage to constantly accidentally cross them, hurting you both. 
• Burnout: If you aren’t setting boundaries, people can easily take advantage of you (maybe without even realizing it). 
• Frequent fighting: If you are constantly arguing about things, it may be because you don’t have enough boundaries or aren’t understanding each other's expectations for the relationship. 

With time, a lack of boundaries can cause the deterioration of the relationship. Even if it has all the potential to be fully satisfying and healthy, a lack of boundaries can make communication too tricky and hurting each other too easy. 

Take some time to reflect on what boundaries you want to set today. Then, have a conversation with your partner about them. 

If you’re having trouble setting or respecting boundaries, couples counseling can help. Lifebulb Counseling and Therapy offers virtual therapy across the U.S., making it easy, convenient, and affordable to talk with a professional therapist. Don’t let your issues simmer until they break the relationship in half, talk to a therapist and start setting healthy boundaries today. 

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