Mar 12, 2025
Contrary to popular belief, a trauma bond is not when two people bond over similar traumas. Instead, it is the unhealthy attachment someone forms to their abuser. A trauma bond is created due to a combination of cyclical abuse and positive reinforcement. After mistreatment, the abuser will engage in love bombing and other manipulation techniques to convince the victim that they’re sorry, that it’ll never happen again, and that they love them.
Humans have an innate need for connection, so these cycles of abuse and positive reinforcement can create what’s known as a trauma bond. Trauma bonds make it difficult to leave abusive relationships, even if the abuse escalates and physical safety is at risk. For these reasons, it’s important to understand the signs of trauma bonding and how to break a trauma bond once you’re in it.
Signs of a Trauma Bond
It can be hard to recognize a trauma bond at first, just as it can be hard to recognize abuse. Also, not all abuse leads to a trauma bond.
A trauma bond forms because of an imbalance in power and cycles of hurt and comfort. The abuser has the power to hurt the victim, but they also have the emotional power to comfort them. Our innate craving for human connection reads this comfort as love, and we forget or forgive the abuse.
Signs of a trauma bond include:
- Intense Emotional Connection: Feeling deeply attached to someone who has been both a source of comfort and distress. You may feel like you could never leave them, or you don’t know who you are without them.
- Cycles of Abuse and Comfort: Experiencing a pattern of feeling deeply in love, followed by feeling devalued or abused.
- Difficulty Setting Boundaries: Struggling to establish and maintain healthy emotional and physical boundaries in the relationship.
- Fear of Abandonment: Fearing abandonment and going to great lengths to avoid real or perceived threats of separation.
- Isolating from Supportive Relationships: Feeling isolated from friends and family due to the demands or control of the other person.
- Rationalizing Negative Behavior: Finding excuses for the other person's harmful actions or believing that they will change despite evidence to the contrary. You may defend their behavior even to close friends and family who warn you of the signs of abuse.
- Emotional Rollercoaster: Experiencing intense emotional highs and lows dependent on the other person's behavior and validation. You may even feel addicted to the highs you experience. Some people call it very “high highs and low lows”.
- Sense of Obligation: Feeling a strong sense of duty or loyalty to the other person, even when it comes at great personal cost. You may feel like they really care for you, are the only one who will ever love you, or have done so much for you, and that leaves you feeling indebted to them.
These are only some signs of a trauma bond. Everyone will experience a trauma bond differently depending on the nature of the relationship and abuse. If you think you’re experiencing a trauma bond or are stuck in an abusive relationship, talk to a close friend, family member, or therapist. They can help you develop a safety plan and find a way to break free from the trauma bond.
In an emergency, call 911.
The Seven Stages of Trauma Bonding
Most trauma bonds follow similar patterns of behavior. You might experience these 7 stages of a trauma bond out of order or a little differently, and that’s okay. The 7 stages of a trauma bond are patterns commonly found in abusive relationships that result in a trauma bond, but do not define every single trauma bonded relationship.
The seven stages of a trauma bond are:
- Stage 1: Love bombing - In this stage, the abuser showers the victim with attention, affection, and praise, creating an intense and overwhelming sense of connection and validation.
- Stage 2: Gaining your trust - The abuser seeks to build trust and emotional dependence by engaging in deep, personal conversations, sharing vulnerabilities, and presenting themselves as a supportive and understanding figure. They may try to “trap” you in the relationship by having you move in with them, become financially dependent on them, or start an exclusive relationship with them.
- Stage 3: Gaslighting - The abuser begins to introduce controlling behaviors, manipulation, and intermittent reinforcement, leading to confusion, self-doubt, and a sense of guilt in the victim. The abuser’s goal in this stage is to make it seem like there is something wrong with you. (Even though that is far from true.)
- Stage 4: Manipulation- The abuser may resort to threats, aggression, or displays of anger, causing the victim to feel fearful, anxious, and hyper-vigilant about potential outbursts or retaliation. This is the “abuse” stage of the trauma bond and may involve emotional, sexual, or physical violence.
- Stage 5: Fawn Response - Also called the resignation stage, this is when the victim resigns themselves to the relationship. They have been manipulated into thinking that this is normal or that what’s wrong is themselves, so it’s easier for them to go along with the abuse and acquiesce to the abuser’s demands.
- Stage 6: Loss of Self - The abuser undermines the victim’s self-worth, gaslights them, and fosters a state of confusion and loss of identity, leading to feelings of worthlessness and dependency on the abuser. The victim may feel like they lost who they are outside of their relationship, like they are an empty shell, or that they have no value without their abuser. You may eventually experience reactive abuse.
- Stage 7: Repetition - After a period of abuse or turmoil, the abuser returns to love bombing, displays of affection, apologies, and promises of change, in hope of ensnaring the victim once again in their lives and creating an idealized connection.
The abuse may not always happen in this pattern. It’s common for some stages to be combined as well. If you recognize these patterns in your relationship, seek help.
Who Is Most at Risk for Forming a Trauma Bond?
An abusive relationship and subsequent trauma bond can happen to anyone. However, studies have found that you are more likely to form a trauma bond if you experience or have experienced:
- Insecure attachment style
- Childhood trauma
- Exposure to abusive relationships growing up
- Lack of social support
- Low self-esteem
This is not a complete list. Listen to your gut when you feel you may be experiencing abuse. Talk to someone you trust, or reach out to a therapist.
How to Break a Trauma Bond
Breaking a trauma bond entails seeing the relationship for what it is and seeing your abuser for what they are. Because of the nature of a trauma bond, this can be difficult. Here are some tips:
- Acknowledge the Bond: The first step is to understand the abuse happening to you. An abuser will try to keep you in the dark about their manipulation, so acknolwedging it is very important.
- Seek Support: Reach out to a trusted friend, family member, or mental health professional. They can validate your experience, help you form a safety plan, and support you as you escape and recover from this relationship.
- Establish Boundaries: If possible, begin to set clear boundaries with the person causing harm. Understand that this may result in an escalation of manipulative and abusive behavior, as they recognize you trying to pull away. When it is safe, maintain your ground. Boundaries will help you regain your sense of self and control of the situation.
- Self-Care Practices: Prioritize self-care activities that nurture your physical, emotional, and mental health. Engage in activities that bring you peace and joy. Even while you’re in a trauma-bonded relationship, self-care is important to keep you connected to yourself and to give you the strength to end the relationship.
- Therapy and Counseling: Consider therapy to process your experiences, gain insight into the bond, and learn coping strategies to navigate the healing process. A therapist can help you wether you’re in a trauma-bonded relationship or were in and want to heal.
- Educate Yourself: Learn about trauma bonds, codependency, and healthy relationships. Knowledge is empowering and can aid in breaking free from the cycle. Looking for the signs so you can stop the cycle of abuse is important.
- Practice Mindfulness: Stay present in the moment and cultivate self-awareness. Mindfulness can help you recognize triggers and navigate your emotions effectively.
- Identify Triggers: Be mindful of situations or interactions that trigger feelings of attachment or dependency. Understanding your triggers can help you respond proactively and create healthy boundaries.
- Stay Committed to Recovery: Breaking a trauma bond is a journey that requires dedication and persistence. Trust in your resilience and commit to your healing journey. It’s okay if you take a few steps back, healing is not a straightforward process. Give yourself compassion and keep moving forward.
- Celebrate Progress: Acknowledge and celebrate each step forward, no matter how small. Every effort you make towards breaking the bond is a significant achievement.
Talking to a therapist can also help you break a trauma bond. A therapist can help you see the abuse for what it is, develop a safety plan, escape from abusive situations, and build yourself back up afterward.
To talk to a therapist about breaking a trauma bond or healing from abuse, contact Lifebulb’s support team. Alternatively, you can browse our list of therapists to find a trauma therapist near you.
