Apr 17, 2025
We’ve all been there: There’s that one person who makes butterflies erupt in your stomach. You smile every time you’re around them; you crave their presence when you’re not. They seem perfect . . . with one caveat—they don’t like you back.
Unrequited love is common; it is up to 4 times more common than its counterpart, equal love. Unrequited love is its own unique pain, too, as our brain processes even perceived rejection as real, physical pain. “Heartbreak” isn’t too far from the truth; rejection stings, and that includes the rejection of unrequited love.
This article dives into the definition of unrequited love, signs you are in an unrequited relationship, and what you can do about it.
What Is Unrequited Love?
Unrequited love is when you have romantic feelings for someone, but they don’t feel the same way. They may see you as a close friend, but never exactly how you want them to see you: as someone of romantic interest.
Not all unrequited love is the same. Let’s look at some examples of it:
- You have a crush on a classmate, but they don’t even know your name.
- You’ve fallen in love with your best friend. You thought they were flirting with you, too, but now they have a serious relationship, and you feel betrayed.
- You’ve been in a relationship for years now, and while you’re still head-over-heels in love with them, you start to realize that they don’t love you the same way anymore. In fact, they may not love you in the way you want to be loved at all.
Each of these is uniquely painful and may have a different grieving and healing process. Let’s look at how to get over unrequited love now.
Signs They Don’t Love You Back
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The first step in healing from unrequited love is to acknowledge your feelings, and that means acknowledging that their feelings aren’t the same.
Signs someone doesn’t love you back include:
- Lack of Communication: If the person consistently takes a long time to respond to your messages, it may indicate a lack of interest. Also, take note of who is initiating any of your conversations or hangouts. Is it just you? If it is, they may not be as motivated to hang out with you as you are with them.
- Limited Effort: If you're the one putting in most of the effort to maintain the relationship, such as making plans, initiating contact, or showing affection, it could be a sign that the other person isn't as invested. Pay attention to who reaches out for who, and how much effort is being displayed on their part.
- Emotional Unavailability: If the person often seems distant, avoids deep conversations about feelings and the future, or is hesitant to commit, they may not be fully engaged in the relationship. Someone in love with you will want to share with you and talk about the future with you.
- Disregard for Your Feelings: When someone consistently dismisses or downplays your emotions and needs, it might indicate that they aren't prioritizing your well-being or the relationship. A true love will care about you and it will be obvious.
- Mixed Signals: Inconsistent behavior, such as being affectionate one day and aloof the next, can leave you feeling confused and unsure about where you stand with the person.
- They tell you! Listen to them if they tell you they aren’t interested or that they don’t see you in the same way. Talking about your feelings can be nerve-wracking, but if you choose to bring them up, make sure to respect what they say. They probably aren’t lying to you if they say they don’t see you as someone they can be romantic with.
It’s painful when your feelings for someone aren’t matched, but it is the first step in the grieving process. It’s okay to take your time and fully grieve and heal from heartbreak. You deserve a love that is full and flowing from both sides, and that can only happen if you heal from this unrequited love.
Why Does Unrequited Love Hurt So Much?
Studies have shown that rejection lights up the pain centers in our brains. This means that when we experience real or perceived rejection, it physically hurts. Unrequited love is a form of rejection; you put yourself out there by flirting, making moves, and feeling deeply, and they reject that. This will hurt, maybe even physically, and that’s okay. Take time to feel these difficult emotions and heal from them.
Will I Ever Get Over Unrequited Love?
Yes! It may take a while, but you can get over unrequited love. When healing from a breakup, the average time is around 3 months. It may take longer to get over unrequited love, as it can be harder to move on from the potential of a relationship than from a relationship that’s reached its natural end. Also, staying friends with someone you have unrequited love for can complicate the issue and make it harder to get over.
Many people recommend doing 30 days of no contact with your crush. If you are friends with them, this means asking them to give you some space for a month before reinitiating contact on your own terms.
Is It Worth Pursuing Someone Who Doesn’t Love You Back?
No. Pursuing someone who doesn’t love you back isn’t just a breach of their boundaries, it’s crossing your own boundaries as well. You deserve someone who is going to love you back fully and on their own terms. Maybe that will be this person, if they come around to it on their own terms, but pressuring someone into loving you never ends up well.
How Do I Stop Obsessing Over Unrequited Love?
So you’ve acknowledged your feelings of unrequited love and are ready to move on from them. Great! You’ve already done the first hard step of being honest with yourself. Here are some other tips to help you heal and get over unrequited love:
- 30 Days No Contact: That jolt of feel-good energy you feel whenever you see your unrequited love post on Instagram or hang out with them is dopamine, a neurochemical that aids in falling in love. So long as you keep seeing them, that dopamine is going to keep coming and you’re going to fall deeper in love. By doing 30 days of no-contact (including unfollowing them on instagram), you’re breaking that dopamine cycle and allowing your brain to get hooked on something else.
- Allow yourself to truly grieve: There are 5 stages of grief, and you may find yourself going through every single one of them. That’s okay, and it should be expected. Plan for experiencing anger, for wanting to go back and bargain with them, and for being depressed. Find healthy coping skills for each of these stages.
- Make healthy boundaries: If you were friends with them, this might mean asking them to stop touching you or playfully flirting with you. For yourself, it means stopping “accidentally” running into them or dropping everything whenever they need anything.
- Grow your own self-worth: You are the prize, and someone who truly loves you will know that! Work on your self-esteem through positive affirmations, journaling, exercising, hanging out with friends (that you don’t have a massive crush on), and doing things that challenge you. Write down your accomplishments so you can remind yourself that you are worth it.
- Talk to a therapist: Unrequited Love is one of those sticky behavioral patterns that can be hard to untangle yourself from. Your attachment style plays a big role in how you form relationships with other adults, and you might have some unresolved childhood trauma to work through. Whatever the case, a therapist can help.
Healing from unrequited love is hard, but you got this. Make your boundaries and don’t forget to practice good self-care. It may hurt for a while, but it will get better.
If you want to talk to a therapist about your unrequited love or issues with attachments, contact Lifebulb’s support team. We have online therapists empathetic to your situation and trained to help you get better.
