Mar 21, 2025
When someone “plays the victim” they are exaggerating or fabricating parts of a story to paint them as a victim who is devoid of any fault. There are different levels of playing the victim, from abusers who play the victim to make it seem as if they are the ones being abused to very real trauma survivors who have learned to play the victim as a trauma response.
Not every person who plays the victim is doing so intentionally or maliciously; however, it is a technique used by narcissists and abusive people to manipulate situations to their benefit. Therefore it’s important to understand the signs of “playing the victim” mindset and how to handle someone who engages in this behavior frequently.
Signs Someone Is Playing the Victim
When someone has a victim mindset, behaviors of never taking fault will emerge. Bad things happen and sometimes things are out of our control; acknowledging this does not make you someone who is playing the victim. However, if you respond to every situation with “It’s not my fault”, you might have some victim mentality.
Common signs someone is playing the victim include:
- Blaming Others: Continuously shifting blame onto others for their own circumstances or actions, without taking responsibility for their role in situations.
- Example: “If you weren’t home late all the time, I wouldn’t have been so lonely that I cheated!”
- Constant Negativity: Having a consistent negative outlook on life, dwelling on past grievances, and seeing themselves as always being at the mercy of external forces.
- Example: “I can’t help how angry I get; my dad was always angry at me as a kid.”
- Externalizing Problems: Believing that all problems and challenges in life are the result of external factors, refusing to look inward for solutions or personal growth.
- Example: “I was late to work because of traffic, and it’s not my fault I slept in, I had to stay up late last night.”
- Seeking Pity: Consistently seeking sympathy, attention, or validation from others by highlighting their perceived victimhood and struggles.
- Example: “I just can’t do anything right! I hate myself and I hate that I’m like this.”
- Defensive Behavior: Reacting defensively to any feedback or constructive criticism, often perceiving it as a personal attack rather than an opportunity for growth.
- Example; “Everyone is always out to get me; you don’t even try to understand where I’m coming from.”
- Lack of Accountability: Avoiding accountability for their actions, choices, and behavior by portraying themselves as helpless and powerless in the face of adversity.
- Example: “It’s not my fault I acted this way, I can’t help how I respond when you do that.”
- Manipulation Tactics: Using guilt-tripping, exaggeration of problems, or emotional manipulation to elicit sympathy or control others' responses.
- “Well, if you would just give me more time, I might not act like this.” Or “You’re always so mean to me, why do you do that? Can’t you see I’m trying my best?”
- Resistance to Change: Resisting efforts to break out of the victim mindset, often feeling comfortable in the role of the victim due to the attention or perceived benefits it brings.
- “No, I can’t do that. Or that either. It’s not going to work. Nothing ever works out for me.”
- Self-Sabotaging Behavior: Engaging in self-sabotaging behaviors that reinforce their victim identity, such as avoiding opportunities for growth or improvement.
- “I quit my job because they were going to fire me anyway. Now I can’t pay rent.”
You might notice that some of these responses are valid: Trauma really can make it hard to communicate, and sometimes things really are out of your control, like traffic.
Playing the victim is not one or two of these instances. It is a repeated behavior that forms a pattern of constantly shucking off responsibility.
Why Do People Play the Victim?
Playing the victim often stems from either:
- Past trauma
- Desire to manipulate and control
Sometimes, past trauma results in the desire to manipulate and control. The cycle of abuse—in which the abused later becomes abusive—is a real, observed pattern. One example of it is reactive abuse. It does not excuse abuse, but it does offer an avenue of healing for people who want to change their past behavior.
Playing the Victim often stems from actually having been the victim at one or many points in your life. It is a freeze response, in which you feel incapable of stopping the things that happen to you and your brain feels as if the best thing to do is to shut off and survive it. This method of putting your head down and bearing it is a useful survival mechanism for intense trauma, like when you are in a car accident and your body goes into shock to keep you from feeling the pain or fear until you are safe again. However, in the long-term, a freeze response is detrimental to your mental health and can result in potentially harmful behaviors such as playing the victim.
Is Playing the Victim a Red Flag?
Sometimes, yes. To understand if playing the victim is a red flag or not, consider their other behavior. Do they:
- Exhibit other manipulation tactics?
- Try to force blame onto you?
- Escalate their behavior until they get a response out of you?
If so, then yes, this behavior could be a red flag.
If, however, a victim mindset is only occasional or they are aware of their behavior and seeking to change it, then it is likely not a red flag, but something that they need help with. Healing from a victim mentality means healing from the trauma that caused that wound in the first place. It can be difficult, but with support, therapy, and sometimes medication, healing from trauma is possible.
Am I Playing the Victim or Really the Victim?
If you are asking yourself that, then you are probably really a victim. Sometimes, people who play the victim really are, or were, a victim of abuse or mistreatment. A phenomenon called “learned helplessness" is a common trait of survivors of trauma.
Learned helplessness is a psychological state in which an individual believes they have no control over negative events, leading them to perceive their efforts as futile even when opportunities for change exist. Individuals experiencing learned helplessness may exhibit behaviors such as giving up when faced with challenges that they could potentially overcome, attributing their failures to internal factors such as lack of ability or worthiness, and displaying defeatist attitudes in response to difficult circumstances. This state is often associated with depression, anxiety, and reduced motivation, as well as an increased vulnerability to stress.
Oftentimes, this is not malicious or manipulative. A similar pop-psychology concept is known as “weaponized incompetence”, in which someone purposefully pretends not to know how to do something so they don’t have to do it. For example, pretending not to know how to wash dishes so you can get your partner to do it.
This is different from learned helplessness, which is a trauma response and not a coercive tactic. However, just because it does not have malicious intent doesn’t mean it is without harm. It can be incredibly painful to watch someone you love get stuck in the same situations without trying to get out and help themselves.
If you struggle with learned helplessness or a victim mindset, healing the trauma at the base of your actions is paramount. Talking to a therapist can help. Contact Lifebulb’s support team to learn more or browse our list of therapists to find one that meets your needs.
