What Is Gaslighting? Examples and Strategies to Cope

What Is Gaslighting?

Gaslighting is a form of emotional abuse and manipulation. People who are being gaslit may begin to question their perception of the situation and feel unable to trust their own minds. Gaslighting can happen in any relationship, from professional to familial and romantic, but is most common in romantic partnerships. It is a tactic used to control and oppose one's will onto another. 

Abuse doesn’t have to be physical to be real. Gaslighting is one example of very real and common emotional and psychological abuse. Learn the signs of gaslighting so you can protect yourself and others. 

Gaslighting Techniques

An abuser who gaslights may use different techniques to get you to question your own perception. The goal of gaslighting is to minimize and belittle your concerns. To do this, people may use any of the following gaslighting techniques:

• Victimizing: The abuser pretends to be the victim to twist the situation on its head. 
  • Example: “I can’t believe you would do that to me.”
• Denying: The abuser denies certain events happened, blaming your faulty memory or mistaken perception. 
  • Example: “You’re lying. That never happened. You must be remembering wrong.”
• Misdirection: The abuser changes the topic or refuses to entertain the conversation.
  • “Your sister got in your head again, didn’t she?” 
• Belittling: Making a major situation nothing. 
  • “You’re too sensitive.” Or, “You’re still on about that? It wasn’t that big of a deal.”
• Forgetting: The abuser pretends to have forgotten what they did.
  • “You’re making that up, I don’t remember it happening.” 
• Lying: Blatant lying can be used to confuse or misdirect the victim. 
  • Example: “You told me you would do this, and you didn’t!” 
• Erosion: The abuser erodes the victim’s confidence in themselves and their ability to understand the situation.
  • Example: “You’re always misremembering stuff, you don’t have a good memory.” 
• Proxy: The abuser enlists others (like their friends and family) to validate their story. 
  • “My brother agrees, you’re being dramatic.”

These are only some of the gaslighting techniques an abuser may use and is not an exhaustive list. If your partner tries to convince you of falsities or cover their bad behavior through misdirection, you’re experiencing gaslighting. 

Signs You’re Being Gaslit

Gaslighting is a form of manipulation and emotional abuse and can leave victims feeling exhausted, insignificant, anxious, or depressed. Healing from a relationship that utilized gaslighting is possible through distance, time, support, and therapy. The first step is realizing you’re being gaslit. This can take away the power of your abuser, rendering them incompetent to control you. 

Signs you’re being gaslit include:

1. Doubting Your Reality: You may find yourself questioning your memory, perceptions, or experiences, even when you're certain about what occurred.
2. Feeling Confused and Uncertain: You might frequently feel unsure about your beliefs, judgments, or decisions, as if your grasp of reality is slipping.
3. Second-Guessing Yourself: If you often find yourself hesitating to speak up or express your emotions, fearing that they might be dismissed or invalidated, this could be a sign of gaslighting.
4. Constant Apologizing: Feeling the need to apologize frequently, even when you haven't done anything wrong, as if you're always at fault.
5. Isolation and Dependence: A sense of isolation from friends and family, or an increasing dependence on the person or people who are gaslighting you.
6. Overexplaining and Seeking Approval: You might catch yourself overexplaining your actions or seeking approval for even the smallest decisions, seeking validation and reassurance.
7. Persistent Self-Doubt: Continual self-doubt and feeling as though your thoughts and feelings are irrational or unworthy of consideration.
8. Excusing your partner’s behavior: When friends or family question the abusive behavior, you always make excuses for them. “They just had a bad day” or “It’s really not a big deal.” 
9. Having trouble making decisions: Every decision you make feels like a wrong one, so you start to defer to whatever your partner wants. 
10. You used to be a different person: Gaslighting and emotional abuse works to strip you of your identity. You might look back at your past and not recognize who you’ve become, or long for someone that you used to be. 
11. You constantly wonder if you are a good enough partner: Because your every action is being scrutinized and criticized, you start to feel like your relationship issues are your fault, and that if you could just be better, everything would be okay. This is another lie of your abuser and a form of gaslighting. 
12. You start lying to make things easier: Since your partner is never appeased, you start lying to avoid them gaslighting you. This might make you feel like a bad person and further perpetuate the untrue belief that you are the problem. (You’re not!) In extreme cases, victims of gaslighting may resort to reactive abuse. 

These are just some of the signs of gaslighting. Every relationship is unique and you may have other symptoms or not resonate with all of the ones above. That’s okay. Just because your experience doesn’t match others doesn’t make it invalid. We all have unique experiences. If you think you’re being gaslit but aren’t sure, talking to a therapist can help. As an impartial, third-party observer, they can analyze the situation without bias. They may be able to spot patterns of gaslighting that you cannot. 

A good therapist can also help you get out of an abusive relationship that utilizes gaslighting. Gaslighting, like all forms of abuse, is a way to control you. Realizing this is a powerful first step to breaking free from abusive control and recovering from the experience. Therapy can help you with this first step as well as guide you on how to safely remove yourself from an abusive relationship and how to heal from it and the aftermath. 

You are not alone. Help is out there, and countless others like you have sought that help and healed from gaslighting. 

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