What Is Guilt Tripping?

What Is Guilt Tripping?

A Guilt Trip is when you cause someone to feel guilty over something they did or didn’t do. Usually, the goal of guilt-tripping is to make someone do something. For example, guilt-tripping your partner over how they never help you with chores to get them to do the dishes. 

Guilt-tripping is far from a healthy way to communicate your needs, but it isn’t always done maliciously. We’ve likely all accidentally guilt-tripped someone or done so out of desperation or miscommunication. 

Whatever the intent, guilt-tripping can be detrimental to our mental health and relationships. There are much better ways to communicate your emotions with someone, ask for their help, or confront wrongdoing. 

Signs of Guilt Tripping

There are many different ways to guilt trip. Guilt tripping will look different when there is real wrongdoing to work through versus when a guilt trip is used to create feelings of misplaced guilt. In the second case, guilt tripping is usually a form of manipulation, which we’ll get to later. 

Techniques someone may use to guilt trip you include:

• Bringing up your past mistakes
• Bringing up favors they’ve done for you
• Comparing your work to theirs disfavoraly 
• Acting passive-aggressively
• Acting angry and then denying anything is wrong
• Silent treatment or stonewalling
• Suggesting that there is a debt to be paid between you 
• Using sarcasm to belittle your efforts 
• Scoffing, rolling eyes, or other forms of body language to express discontent
• Gaslighting you into believing you’ve done something wrong
• Making themselves the victim

Importantly, someone who is guilt-tripping you will rarely come out and say what they want you to do. “Can you please do the dishes?” even if said angrily is too direct of an approach. The goal of a guilt trip is to get you to feel so guilty that you do the dishes without them having to ask. 

Emotional signs that you may be a victim of a guilt trip include:

• Feeling like everything is always your fault
• Feeling responsible for their emotions
• Feeling inadequate and unworthy
• Low levels of self-esteem 
• A nagging sense that you’re never doing enough 
• Being unable to say no to someone, or feeling excessively guilty when you do 
• Going out of your way to predict what someone might need before they need it
• Putting someone else’s needs before your own to the point of burnout and resentment

These are only some examples of what it feels like to be guilt-tripped. It depends on the individual circumstances. 

Is Guilt Tripping Manipulative?

Guilt-tripping is not a healthy way to deal with anger, injustice, or feeling slighted. This is true even if there is fault and blame. If someone wronged you, guilt-tripping will only worsen the situation, and possibly end the relationship. Instead, talk through the situation: what happened, how it made you feel, and what you need from them to repair the wrong. There might need to be some back and forth as you come to a resolution.

It is also possible for guilt tripping to be manipulative, coercive, and even an abuse tactic. In these cases of manipulation, guilt-tripping will likely have these characteristics:

• Unfounded; you did not do anything wrong.
• Include elements of gaslighting
• Other manipulative tactics are being used 
• Used to keep you feeling small and in their control
• Nothing makes them happy, even if you apologize or try to make amends

If you are in an abusive relationship that uses guilt-tripping, talking to a therapist can help. They can help you make an escape plan and a safety plan if things escalate. If you are in immediate harm, call 911 or a domestic abuse hotline. 

How to Cope With Guilt Tripping

Guilt tripping, even when the intentions are not bad, is a passive-aggressive way to request something. The best way to put an immediate end to guilt-tripping is to communicate clearly. For example, if your partner is trying to guilt trip you into doing the dishes, respond in these ways:

• Put their requests into words: “You want me to do the dishes tonight, is that correct?” 
• Accept any responsibility (if any): “I’ve been really busy at work lately and haven’t had time to do my share of the chores. I’m sorry.”
• Provide a plan to address their concerns: “I can load the dishes before work every morning, and you can put them away after work.”
• Share your feelings: “I feel like you were trying to make me feel guilty so that I would do the dishes, which makes me feel manipulated. I would prefer if you ask me to do them next time instead.”
• Set healthy boundaries: “In the future, I would prefer if you tell me outright when you start feeling taken advantage of like this.”

If the guilt-tripping behavior continues, you might need to have a conversation about communication. Set strong boundaries that you won’t respond to this kind of passive-aggressive behavior, and that you expect to be addressed directly with concerns. 

The above scenario is assuming your partner has good intentions, and that they just got frustrated and couldn’t communicate effectively. This is not always the case. 

If you are dealing with manipulative gaslighting, here are some things you can do:

• Don’t respond to the manipulation attempts, a technique called the Grey Rock Method. 
• Seek to communicate effectively instead, by talking openly about the issue at hand. 
• Manage your own guilt; try not to let your sense of self-worth decline because of an abuser’s guilt-tripping. Talk to a friend or therapist, and take space if you need. 

If you are in an abusive relationship, getting out is likely your best option. Make a safety plan in case things escalate.

How to Stop Feeling Bad About Something You Did

What if you really do have something to feel guilty for? It’s all right, we all make mistakes. The important thing is to own up to your mistakes, correct any wrongs, and ask for forgiveness. You might not receive it right away, but it is a step in the right direction. 

Here are some steps to stop feeling guilty when you make a mistake:

• Accept responsibility: Go to the person you wronged and admit fault. 
• Try to make amends: What can you do to right the wrong? It might not be a perfect fix, but attempting to solve the problem will go a long way. 
• Ask for forgiveness: Don’t expect them to give it to you right away, they do not owe you forgiveness, but it can be helpful to verbally be forgiven. 
• Focus on positive self-talk: Guilt can make you spiral into cognitive distortions and negative self-talk. Try to stop that kind of thinking pattern and replace it with positive, true thoughts. 
• Learn from your mistakes: We all make mistakes, but did you grow from them? Learn from your actions so you don’t make the same mistake twice. 
• Practice self-forgiveness: Even if they can’t forgive you, forgiving yourself for a mistake you made in the past is powerful. (As long as you've made the necessary changes to be better.)

Guilt is a heavy, exhausting emotion. It has its purpose, but once amends have been made, it’s time to let it go. 

Get Help When Needed

Guilt can eat away at us until there’s nothing left. A therapist can help mitigate guilt and shame and help you find a way to forgive yourself and let go of these emotions. 

Contact Lifebulb to be scheduled with an online therapist today. Or, browse our list of therapists near you to find someone who fits your needs. 

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